The Teenage Years: A Recap

I have been writing about my fear of growing up for the past year now. Something that I thought is new but turns out, it’s a fear that I always had, since a long time ago. This started when I found my diary from my elementary days, where I found particular writing from the date December 12, 2011. That was my last day being a 9 year old. And apparently, 9-year-old Nadia was super scared to be 10. Simply because it's scary, two-digit age. I will not actually show what I wrote because that was cringey and funny at the same time, but it goes something along the lines of … “I don’t wanna be 10 I wanna be 9 always”.

I stopped and thought, “girl, same”. And then the next 2 or 3 pages after that was filled with “NADIA, 9 Y.O.”.As if I was leaving traces from the days of being a member of the one-digit-age club. Maybe I was, I don’t exactly remember what was going on.

10 years later, in December 2021, the fear remains. And grows, might I add. Turning from 19 to 20 is both significant and scary, for me. I know that some of my friends that are already in their twenty-somethings are always telling me that it’s not scary, everything pretty much remains the same. While I am aware of that, I consider myself an overly-philosophical person sometimes, meaning that I put waaaay too much meaning to numbers, certain ages, and things more than I need to. Which made the transition scary for me.

Being scared does not mean I don’t want it. I am excited for myself, that's given. Someone can be both scared and excited at the same time, can they?

Anyways, since this is supposedly the last week of me being a teenager (lol), I would like to recap what I’ve learned, what I obtained, what I think the true meaning of going through the teenage years — as I remember it, as I know it.

So here it is, teenage years from my perspective.

The early teenage years was incredibly fun and confusing. 10, 11, and 12, I was pretty much a child back then. A minion-obsessed, frozen-obsessed type o gal. I was very reserved, but little did I know I already entered the long self-searching journey back then. I tried — maybe a little too hard even — to make friends. Trying out different personalities, perhaps.

Next one, mid-teenage years. It was… one heck of an emotional rollercoaster. This was the period when I transitioned from a child to a teenager. It was really fun, lots and lots of crying, laughing, and just loving friends in general. Middle school would be a summary of my mid-teenage years. It was my awkward stage as well at the same time, which I’m not really sure how was that possible. My first trajectory into pop-culture-digging, but all I did was discover the surface, really. It was really fun, though. The feeling of the first time you went to the cinema with your friends and with no adults… unbeatable.

Then we have upper secondary teenage years (i don't know what the actual name of the stage is). 15 to 17. 15 was kind of okay, actually. It was the first time I went to full fangirl mode, deep-dived into celebrity culture, pop culture, contemporary art and media. I did the whole making-social-media-account-for-fangirling-purposes thing. But also, at that time I felt like a stereotyped teenage girl, which is one of the best feelings in the world, really. I saw a lot of chick flicks at that age. Just amazing times. Then I turned 16. 16 was crazy. It feels like I’m a walking angry hormone who is mad at everyone, the kind of stage where you feel nobody understands you, you hate everyone, the world does not care, which also coincided with the “oh-I'm-so-edgy” era. I started to listen to the so-called indie music and of course, like any 16-year-old kid, thought that I got the best music taste in the world. Boy, I was wrong. I prided myself on being not basic — antimainstream if you will — at that age, which when I looked back now, is very much ridiculous. Oh well, always something to laugh about. 16, however, is also the age that I made what I consider as probably the first important decision that still affects me to this day. I made the decision (with my parents’ advice, of course) to not continue to grade 12 and joined a prep college instead. Might not sound big, but bear in mind I come from an environment where doing the whole prep college thing is not really common. So I did, then I also took my IELTS test at that age, which is also probably the first thing that made me to start believing myself, aside giving credit to myself. It is given that I did not do that well in high school, academically speaking. Or in middle school, for that matter. College, however, was different. I started getting serious, and one of the main reasons is that I actually love the subjects. Life-changing, I would say. Then I turned 17. The age where I experience the so-called emptiness. I have departed from the angry era, I think, but I was still very much naive (still am until now, probably). 17 was exciting. I moved abroad, alone, living with host parents since I was still a minor. Meeting new friends and such, it was very exciting. Also, the age where I got obsessed with certain films and marked the trajectory of me getting into sitcoms.

Then the late teenage years. 18 and 19. Where stuff got real, I guess. Maybe not wholly, but it sure does feel like some reality is already hitting and you started to feel what adulting is. My 18th birthday was incredibly exciting, and about 3 months after that, the pandemic hits. Being abroad and living with my flatmate, really put things into perspective: that I am still a child. I remembered crying because well, I am far away from home and the situation was incredibly chaotic and uncertain. And then I entered my second year of university, where the realization hits that my passion contradicts with what I’m learning. This event really shakes up me and everything about myself that I believe in because I have been wanting to learn this thing for so long. So, so, long. It also put things into perspective, considering that it made me rethink all my decisions and how did I end up there, and started to make me quite sceptical about myself. All contribute to the fear of the uncertain future. But also, at the same time, discovered my love for film. I know I like films, but the complete realization is that this is more than “liking”. And started to make changes to my future plans, although I would be lying if I said that I’m not afraid that this is not a guaranteed interest or just a phase. And then I turned 19. I realized that my passion did not contradict what I learn, if anything, it gave me a perspective that is able to connect the two. Long story short, I found the silver lining. Spent many many times with my family, friends, focusing more on studying and changing old ways that did not work, discovering stuff, staying sane, making commitments with myself, starting to write and read (again!), and got my very first working experience. But still being scared and worried and anxious about the future, something I obtained from the prior year. 19 is a very contradictory age in that sense, at least for me. A lot of heartfelt emotions at this age, too, which I won't elaborate more otherwise I would overshare in this post, haha.

And there we have it, the recap of my teenage years. I would be lying if I said I'm not scared to turn 20, entering the big 2–0s, no matter how insignificant it is for some people, it is a significant one for me. It is a big change for me. And I think all my emotions are valid, and for this one, internal validation is enough. While I’m scared yet excited, if there’s one take that I can derive from my fear and the whole recap is that: no matter how scared I was before turning 10, no matter how many emotional rollercoasters I went through during my teenage years, I survived until now. All the fears, the emotions, were worth it. They taught me something, they made me who I am today. Now I’m sure my 20s would be different, more responsibilities and other given aspects that you’re supposed to deal with in your adulthood. I am, however, still hoping that no matter how old I am, I will still be a kid at heart, something that I managed to maintain throughout my teenage years; despite the process that made me lose and find myself over and over again. I also hope that maybe 10 years from now, I have already learned new things, and I certainly hope I won’t be as scared to turn 30.

As for the teenage years, and inner me who have gone through it all: it was one heck of a ride but it was all so worth it.